needs tension

God is teaching me about various resistances that I have received in life.

When Julie and I announced our engagement, a Sunday School teacher got critical of us. "what are you thinking?", he laughed. "You are way too young!!" Truth be told, we were only 19 and 17 at that point.

I was angry with him for telling me I am not smart. But what that interaction did was cause me to think deeply about my choices and make sure I was ready for it. Julie and I agreed to break up for a short time and see if we could stand it. We couldn't, and because of that confrontation and subsequent soul searching I would not easily change my mind later at the first sign of challenge to our love.

And then there was the pastor who told me "that is the worst vision I ever heard", when I told him about my desire to help people who have given up on church. He told me that I would have a church full of hurting people, who would in turn hurt each other because hurting people do that.

I wonder if I would even remember the value of my vision to reach people who have given up on church, if I had not received the criticism, and been therefore forced to think deeply about it, pray it more carefully, and make it a sure thing. That pastor helped me so much by honestly reflecting his thoughts that day.

And the pastor who told me that he and his board prayed about us, and God spoke. He said God told them that I had made a mistake and wanted to move back home, so they took up an offering and presented me with $150 bucks to rent the truck to get back home.

What his action did, was cause me to carefully think and pray about why I was here in Adam's County and why I had not started this church somewhere else. After that prayer season, I never really doubted it again, and instead rehearsed over and over all the reasons I was sure God sent us here.

The tension each of these situations created, were intense and not fun. But the results were, God made Himself even more clear in my heart, and I ended up very clear about what I was to do.

I should have thanked these guys. Too many times a brilliant thought has come... and was lost for lack of creative tension. Unopposed, these thoughts went quickly forgotten.

At least I guess they did, but since there was no tension, I'm not sure, because I don't remember!

I got my share of critics now, who tell me about all that I am not doing well. I should thank them, when usually I let them stir that old spirit of rejection inside of me, and feel sorry for myself. And fear. And resentment.

I'm sorry God.